Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
