I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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