i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Randomize
