Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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