I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
