I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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