So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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