I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
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