tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
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