Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
