I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
