well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
