I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
