mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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