After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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