My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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