Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
