hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
