best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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