ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
