maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
You ate ashes out of my bong
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
