I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
