I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
