2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
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