the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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