we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
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