I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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