take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
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