So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
