There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Randomize
