final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Randomize
