apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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