the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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