he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
