you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
they're like a gay fantastic four
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
