Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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