Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
