Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
