so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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