she woke up with a sticky ear
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
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