they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
