I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
third nipple confirmed
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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