How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
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