apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
