...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Randomize
