he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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