i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
