guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Send help, water and tortillas.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
