I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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