Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Randomize
