Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
this must be what syphilis tastes like
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
